Posted by: Leigh Reynolds | July 30, 2013

Deconstruction

deconstructionFor as long as I can remember I have been second guessing myself. My mom told me once that when I was a little kid I had a sadness, a self-doubt and she never understood where it came from. I’m not sure either, but it has always been there.

Nowadays, I think I come off as pretty confident because I am loud and fairly opinionated. (My sister just laughed and rolled her eyes at my use of the word “fairly”. I’ll let them decide which sister I meant.) In some areas I can be confident or self-assured, but mostly I just lack boundaries. I’m all in. In other areas or situations I am still that self-doubting little girl. Aren’t we all?

I would never second-guess, nit-pick and over-evaluate anyone else the way I do myself. My head knows it is foolish, unnecessary and unhealthy, but sometimes I just can’t turn it off. I go into something – like a big meeting or performance – and I am ready to go. I’ve thought it out, practiced, refined, and found my place. I feel good!

The meeting happens, the lines are read, the songs get sung (whatever the situation calls for) and I am cool, confident, and on my game! When it’s over, there’s the brief elation. “Man, that was great!” The feeling remains a short while and then the evaluation period begins.

I review. I critique. I ponder all the ways it could have been better. Sometimes that’s a good thing – self-reflection can mean growth, improvement and a never ending quest to learn. But sometimes it is just mean.

“Why did you say that? It sounded so stupid. You should have prepared more.”

“What a awful thing to wear! You thought you looked OK when you headed out the door, but I saw you in the mirror on the way home and you look awful.”

“You idiot! Why didn’t you say this, or do that, or think of this point then.”

“Your not that great; They’ll never hire you. You’re crazy to think you’re worth that much.”

“Why aren’t you better. Smarter. Thinner. Prettier.”

I would never say these things to someone else, yet I say them to myself far too often. The last few days have been full of the deconstruction of me. It seems the more I ‘put myself out there’ the more I circle back around to bullying myself. These last few days I have been a downright tyrant.

If I were not me, and I came to me to talk about this, there are a few things I’d remind me… (after I corrected my grammar and sentence structure…)

Nobody is perfect. It’s Ok to look back, review and evaluate, but don’t beat yourself up. Learn from your challenges, but celebrate your successes!

Believe in yourself and trust that the people that love you, love you just as you are. Above all, know that God loves you enough to put the moon and the stars in place and set the world in motion and send His Son to guide you home.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You were God’s final and greatest creation; the jewel in His crown. Love the package you’re in, no matter what size. Confidence and faith is beauty, not some plastic-coated, photo-shopped world-view.

Trust that God has a plan and anything he leads you to, He’ll guide you through and give you all you need. He is not going to put you into a situation to fail. He has plans to bless and prosper you. Draw close to Him and trust in His faith in you.

Hey, that wasn’t half bad. I sure hope I was listening…

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