Posted by: Leigh Reynolds | May 10, 2015

Relentless

That word just keeps going through my mind… Relentless. Life is relentless.

I have been having a rough go of it lately. Not because of one significant trauma, but because of the relentless nature of life. All the little things, and some not so little things, piling up and making it a little hard to breathe.

Gutters shooting craps and my basement office takes on water.relentless

One kid has trouble in school, another is in a ‘mean’ phase, making mothering more challenging than usual.

The heel on my favorite shoes broke.

My plan for additional autism therapy for Wil falls through, the search continues.

Daughter has scoliosis, gotta figure out a plan, more appointments, more bills.

I put on just enough weight that most of my dress pants are too snug. What am I going to wear today to that meeting today?

Another night of no sleep; up all night hanging with a 4 year old autistic that can’t turn his brain off.

Frustrations with work; endless frustrations with a major client.

New client you thought you had in the bag puts you off for a few months – we’ll talk once a few more things fall into place for them.

Desperately miss singing in church but there’s no room in the schedule – maybe soon. Maybe not.

Car window got left open and it rained – the inside of my car is soaked.

That 6am flight I booked so I could make it home on Mother’s Day was canceled. I’m stranded 8 hours away and won’t see them this Mother’s Day.

We all have a list. That list of stressors and challenges that pounds away at us. Everyone has “stuff”. Everyone. And each person’s hardest thing is their hardest thing.

But the truth is, life isn’t fair, or equal, or anywhere near the same for different people. We all have our own individual trail to tread. And some just do have a harder row to hoe. There are so many who have it so much harder than me; and just as many that have it so much easier.

I’m not comparing struggles or pain, and I am certainly not holding mine up as more worthy of attention than anyone else’s. I’m just making an observation and maybe trying to make sense of something that will always be a mystery.

Some people will tell you there is a reason for everything. That God is teaching you something or stretching you to get you ready for the next big blessing. “Embrace the Refiner’s Fire and be purified. He’ll pull you out when you are ready; when you are ready to show His reflection.”

Maybe. But maybe it’s just life. Imperfect, unfair, diverse and challenging.

I have made a lot of right choices and stood firm for Christ. I’ve also made a lot of wrong ones and really disappointed myself, my God, and likely a lot of people I care about. I’ve grown strong and I’m often weak. Some days I marvel at God’s unending beauty, love and grace. Other days I feel totally forgotten by Him.

I don’t have any answers and most days it doesn’t make any sense. Why does that person get secure finances, kind and talented children, annual vacations at the beach, and randomly upgraded to front row seats at a concert of their favorite artist, while another spends endless energy volunteering to help special needs kids lost in the system while their own child with endless special needs and medical issues continues to struggle and their rare form of brain cancer comes back?

God could even it up a bit. He could. I don’t know why He doesn’t. But He doesn’t.

But I do know that I love Him. Like any friend, I sometimes get mad at Him. I am often confused by Him. There are things I wish were different or traits I’d change. But one thing won’t. I will always relentlessly chase after Him.

As hard as this life can be, for all the reasons large and small, one thing I hold firm too… Jesus died for me. He loves me. God has tremendous plans for me that I can’t understand. The Holy Spirit walks with me every day and whispers in my ear, “I am here. We are here. We love you. We won’t leave you. It’s OK. Hang on. Trust me. I will never let you go.”

Some days I hear it loud. Other days I have to fight to remember it. Then a song comes on, a friend calls or sends a quick “thinking about you” text. I read a Bible verse that precisely, specifically speaks to my deepest heart cry. Something happens and that moment of knowing God is real and present is stronger than the moment before that was hard and sad and lonely.

Because as relentless as this life can be, His endless, confusing, love for us is even more so. I don’t understand it, but I will forever cling to it. Relentlessly.

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